"Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn’t have to stop and pee. Of course, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the "Astronaut fit?”"
-Jay Leno
"How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John."
-David Letterman
"The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s."
-Craig Ferguson
"In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know!"
-Craig Ferguson
"The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy."
-David Letterman
"Congratulations to Vice President Al Gore. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace prize. Luckily for Gore, Florida doesn’t vote on this one."
-Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week."
-Conan O'Brien
"Once again here in New York City it’s the beginning of Fashion Week. It’s that exciting time of year when we get a preview of the underpants that Britney Spears won’t be wearing."
-David Letterman
"Today was Groundhog Day. My favorite holiday! The groundhog has a really good gig, if you think about it. It gets fed; it gets housed; and then all it has to do once a year, is comes out of its hole, look around . . . it's like the animal version of Kevin Federline."
-Jimmy Kimmel